October 30, 2008

Remembering continued.

I have this phoebia, have ever since i can remember of death. It extends to anything related (execpting food i guess) and I just get this feeling in the pit of my stomach of fear, unrelenting indescribable fear. It is the reason i never wanted to be an archaeologist despite the fact that i love archaeology because i couldn't force myself near the bones. It even extends to dinosaur bones, which i won't approach willingly. That is perhaps the single thing which inhibits my ablity to say good bye, that fear of the casket and what lies inside has always terrified me. The way my mom tells it, she blames it on my grandpa wilson. Long time ago, which i don't remember because i appear to have blocked it out, when my wilson grandparents lived in nashville i was apparently staying with my grandma at the time and she had a heart attack or something (like i said i blocked it out a long time ago) apparently i held her hand and said "Grandma don't die" over and over (i wished i could have done that last year) and that grandpa blamed me for the whole thing later, saying it was my fault that she almost died. And that that created this Phoebia. The way grandma used to tell it (and this is one of the things I loved about her) it was my saying "Grandma don't die" (remember i was very little at the time) that saved her. It was a cute story and i can't remember the event although i wish i could and i can't prove it actually happened but it is what i was told. Both of my grandpas were always sort of cold to me, although i always tried to be a good grandaughter. Nevertheless, this is where my mom thinks i got it and i blocked it out so long ago that i couldn't remember what really happened now any way because unfortunately i spent so many of my formative years with grandma and recently those images have began to fade. What was once so vivid that i thrived on the recitation has now become so lost in the mist that i hear snipits of her voice and remember remembering and often times what i hear is myself telling a story of what she used to tell me. As far as grandpa hoff goes, i have completely lost the sound of his voice, he could speak to me now from wherever it is that spirits go and i would not know him. I forgot every time we ever spent together and i only remember myself telling my original recollections. and each time i realize that i forgot something i swear i remembered before it feels like i lost them all over again and it is so hard to feel it over and over and remember that i am forgetting them, it does not help the coping as you might expect, instead causing a whole new pain, this time it is of a different loss, like a whole has formed where a person used to be and nothing i could do would fill it. Used to be whenever i could not sleep I would remember grandma reading to me and hear her soothing voice in my head and now i struggle to remember the look of her face when she smiled and the sound of a little gospel drifting softly soothingly and i can't anymore and it hurts. Even now as type this it feels like i am loosing something again and you don't know quite what it is and yet it still is there and it haunts and you dwell on it . And as far as a better place goes, if there was such a place and i did happen to make it up there, would I remember them even there or would they just be a dead stranger to me? It is scary to forget and almost impossible remember the events which made people so special to me and it doesn't help to forget, it doesn't make it easier to move on and it scares me (probably because that is what killed my grandma Wilson, the forgetting disease, when one day the body forgot how to work and that was it). I wish i could remember any event a special moments instead of remembering myself remembering. And i wish i could never forget how special each and every moment is and to loose them is absolutely the worst side effect to my life and how strange it seems that mathematical theorems should push away those voices. How long will it be before i forget aunt caroline, the sound of her voice, which even now, even 7 months since i last heard it sounds as if it were so far away, or through some sort of fabric, muffled and distant and it will heart renchingly,be gone soon enough. And where there were sounds of joy and happiness will be empty voids as it has been twice before.

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