October 28, 2008

Saying good bye

The hardest thing i have ever been asked to do is to say goodbye. It seems like it would be such a simple thing and yet i can't bring myself to do it. This weekend prior i buried my aunt caroline and i could only bring myself to go up to the casket once, after the funeral service and that simple action made sure that i sobbed my way to the car. I have only ever lost three people and you'd think I would be greatful for it. But each and every single one is just as painful as the preceeding one and it really doesn't get easier to say goodbye to people you love. What is particularly painful is that people always shrug it off, she's in a better place they say well it doesn't help matters and I personally believe there is no place better than to be here with your family. And all the problems that insue are part of living and there is no more precious gift than the abilty to simply live. I wish i could just say see you later instead of good bye knowing that we would see each other again but i can't shrug off such a loss so casually. So for today i am going to post pictures of the loved ones who I have lost and tell you why they were so special.

The first is My grandma wilson (pink sunday hat picture), a singular individual, she loved everyone and kindness was as much a part of her as sleeping and eating are to everyone else. Moreover she was the person i always felt safe with and trusted instinctively. There is no doubt in my mind that she loved me just as much if not more than i did her and i feel her loss more than any other as she meant everything to me. I keep a baby picture of myself that she always had near her bed, so she could see it every morning. On the back she wrote that she wanted me to have this and she could not love me more if i were her own daughter, it is my greatest treasure. I lost her in september of 2007.
Then we have my grandpa hoff. He was a interesting man, with a special sense of humor. He adored airplanes and old cars and was a fantastic chef, he made this incredible mac and cheese which was so think and gooey that the fork came away completely coated in cheese. He also gave the biggest bear hugs, conveying more love in one hug then most people have in their entire body. He was an artist at heart, his pieces displaying his trademark precision and exactness. He was incomperably intellegent and funny and very sweet and although not much of a people person was a wonderful person to know. I lost him in july of 2005.
My Aunt Caroline (not pictured) passed last week, it was a tough blow especially considering that she was very young by comparison to my grandparents who had passed. I was quite fond of her and i do miss her very much. She has really been all I have thought about for the last week or so and I think i am still in shock. I was very brave and didn't cry until the visitation but i have not really stopped since. I will also never forget the image of Camilla (can't spell, not sure if that is right, sorry) just sobbing at the conclusion of the grave site services. No one moved for the longest time, just watching her and feeling that pain with her, i was trying not to sob with her because i know it was my instinct to. Aunt Caroline was such a special person, one of those people who were always heart-warming and kind and there was no one like her. There is no real way to describe her which doesn't refer to her strength and love and both qualities defined her so completely. Moreover the family is going to have to sell her home to pay the medical bills and i just know that the pain that will cause will be akin to that the family feels today, that stinging hurt that never really goes away. What i would give to be in the financial position to help i would give every dime to make sure Camilla did not have to sell her grandmother's home. The very concept that 3 tragic events chained together will so utterly demoralize them is a very heart-renching prospect. They lost the family dog, cricket, this morning if you can imagine such a thing, all those horrible things chained together will mean that Camilla in particular is going to have to use her trademark upbeatness to stay above water. I badly want to be up there helping in any way possible, I have been struck by an inane desire to help, somehow. I am not religious person but i would gladly pray every minute of every day if i thought it would help.

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