October 30, 2008

Remembering continued.

I have this phoebia, have ever since i can remember of death. It extends to anything related (execpting food i guess) and I just get this feeling in the pit of my stomach of fear, unrelenting indescribable fear. It is the reason i never wanted to be an archaeologist despite the fact that i love archaeology because i couldn't force myself near the bones. It even extends to dinosaur bones, which i won't approach willingly. That is perhaps the single thing which inhibits my ablity to say good bye, that fear of the casket and what lies inside has always terrified me. The way my mom tells it, she blames it on my grandpa wilson. Long time ago, which i don't remember because i appear to have blocked it out, when my wilson grandparents lived in nashville i was apparently staying with my grandma at the time and she had a heart attack or something (like i said i blocked it out a long time ago) apparently i held her hand and said "Grandma don't die" over and over (i wished i could have done that last year) and that grandpa blamed me for the whole thing later, saying it was my fault that she almost died. And that that created this Phoebia. The way grandma used to tell it (and this is one of the things I loved about her) it was my saying "Grandma don't die" (remember i was very little at the time) that saved her. It was a cute story and i can't remember the event although i wish i could and i can't prove it actually happened but it is what i was told. Both of my grandpas were always sort of cold to me, although i always tried to be a good grandaughter. Nevertheless, this is where my mom thinks i got it and i blocked it out so long ago that i couldn't remember what really happened now any way because unfortunately i spent so many of my formative years with grandma and recently those images have began to fade. What was once so vivid that i thrived on the recitation has now become so lost in the mist that i hear snipits of her voice and remember remembering and often times what i hear is myself telling a story of what she used to tell me. As far as grandpa hoff goes, i have completely lost the sound of his voice, he could speak to me now from wherever it is that spirits go and i would not know him. I forgot every time we ever spent together and i only remember myself telling my original recollections. and each time i realize that i forgot something i swear i remembered before it feels like i lost them all over again and it is so hard to feel it over and over and remember that i am forgetting them, it does not help the coping as you might expect, instead causing a whole new pain, this time it is of a different loss, like a whole has formed where a person used to be and nothing i could do would fill it. Used to be whenever i could not sleep I would remember grandma reading to me and hear her soothing voice in my head and now i struggle to remember the look of her face when she smiled and the sound of a little gospel drifting softly soothingly and i can't anymore and it hurts. Even now as type this it feels like i am loosing something again and you don't know quite what it is and yet it still is there and it haunts and you dwell on it . And as far as a better place goes, if there was such a place and i did happen to make it up there, would I remember them even there or would they just be a dead stranger to me? It is scary to forget and almost impossible remember the events which made people so special to me and it doesn't help to forget, it doesn't make it easier to move on and it scares me (probably because that is what killed my grandma Wilson, the forgetting disease, when one day the body forgot how to work and that was it). I wish i could remember any event a special moments instead of remembering myself remembering. And i wish i could never forget how special each and every moment is and to loose them is absolutely the worst side effect to my life and how strange it seems that mathematical theorems should push away those voices. How long will it be before i forget aunt caroline, the sound of her voice, which even now, even 7 months since i last heard it sounds as if it were so far away, or through some sort of fabric, muffled and distant and it will heart renchingly,be gone soon enough. And where there were sounds of joy and happiness will be empty voids as it has been twice before.

October 28, 2008

Saying good bye

The hardest thing i have ever been asked to do is to say goodbye. It seems like it would be such a simple thing and yet i can't bring myself to do it. This weekend prior i buried my aunt caroline and i could only bring myself to go up to the casket once, after the funeral service and that simple action made sure that i sobbed my way to the car. I have only ever lost three people and you'd think I would be greatful for it. But each and every single one is just as painful as the preceeding one and it really doesn't get easier to say goodbye to people you love. What is particularly painful is that people always shrug it off, she's in a better place they say well it doesn't help matters and I personally believe there is no place better than to be here with your family. And all the problems that insue are part of living and there is no more precious gift than the abilty to simply live. I wish i could just say see you later instead of good bye knowing that we would see each other again but i can't shrug off such a loss so casually. So for today i am going to post pictures of the loved ones who I have lost and tell you why they were so special.

The first is My grandma wilson (pink sunday hat picture), a singular individual, she loved everyone and kindness was as much a part of her as sleeping and eating are to everyone else. Moreover she was the person i always felt safe with and trusted instinctively. There is no doubt in my mind that she loved me just as much if not more than i did her and i feel her loss more than any other as she meant everything to me. I keep a baby picture of myself that she always had near her bed, so she could see it every morning. On the back she wrote that she wanted me to have this and she could not love me more if i were her own daughter, it is my greatest treasure. I lost her in september of 2007.
Then we have my grandpa hoff. He was a interesting man, with a special sense of humor. He adored airplanes and old cars and was a fantastic chef, he made this incredible mac and cheese which was so think and gooey that the fork came away completely coated in cheese. He also gave the biggest bear hugs, conveying more love in one hug then most people have in their entire body. He was an artist at heart, his pieces displaying his trademark precision and exactness. He was incomperably intellegent and funny and very sweet and although not much of a people person was a wonderful person to know. I lost him in july of 2005.
My Aunt Caroline (not pictured) passed last week, it was a tough blow especially considering that she was very young by comparison to my grandparents who had passed. I was quite fond of her and i do miss her very much. She has really been all I have thought about for the last week or so and I think i am still in shock. I was very brave and didn't cry until the visitation but i have not really stopped since. I will also never forget the image of Camilla (can't spell, not sure if that is right, sorry) just sobbing at the conclusion of the grave site services. No one moved for the longest time, just watching her and feeling that pain with her, i was trying not to sob with her because i know it was my instinct to. Aunt Caroline was such a special person, one of those people who were always heart-warming and kind and there was no one like her. There is no real way to describe her which doesn't refer to her strength and love and both qualities defined her so completely. Moreover the family is going to have to sell her home to pay the medical bills and i just know that the pain that will cause will be akin to that the family feels today, that stinging hurt that never really goes away. What i would give to be in the financial position to help i would give every dime to make sure Camilla did not have to sell her grandmother's home. The very concept that 3 tragic events chained together will so utterly demoralize them is a very heart-renching prospect. They lost the family dog, cricket, this morning if you can imagine such a thing, all those horrible things chained together will mean that Camilla in particular is going to have to use her trademark upbeatness to stay above water. I badly want to be up there helping in any way possible, I have been struck by an inane desire to help, somehow. I am not religious person but i would gladly pray every minute of every day if i thought it would help.

October 16, 2008

Sorry i haven't been blogging much but i have been pretty busy what with being FREE For the first time in 3 yrs (and loving it) and i now have 2 cats, leia, she is a diluted tortishell and sort of like a miniature cat has been so sick for the last month or so, i am really worried about her, she has been throwing up alot, and i went and asked some people who said it is normal (which i certainly don't think so) bottom line anyone who knows why a seven month old, 5 pound cat would be throwing up 10 times a day, must be like half her body weight