August 18, 2008

Believe it or not.

OMG I have some awesome news (well to me anyway). Believe it or not I have started painting my kitchen. I am so proud of myself and it looks awesome. Also I have gotten back into comunication with an old friend whom i haven't spoken to in over 3 years and whom i have missed terribly. And i guess it is time to tell the story. Roll back the clock and lets return to first semester of senior year. One of my very good friends had a problem. (not sure if he does anymore though, since it has been so long) His mother had a drinking problem and he was getting into drugs. God help me i tried to reason with him, I was very sick and pretty soon i could not even attend school anymore, for the last few months of the first semester of senior year i was stuck at home, bored stupid and getting fatter by the day. Meanwhile my good friend was having a hard time. One of the girls at school had gotten pissed at him for some reason (she was crazy so i am not sure why) and she put some drug stuff in his locker and then told a teacher. He was expelled in his senior year. Granted i never heard the whole story from him. Get this. I got back to school in january and he wasn't in any of my classes. It went on for a few days before i started to worry and ask people if they had seen him. Someone eventually told me what happened while i was gone. It is a horrible thing for someone to disappear like that and truth be told i was upset at him for not telling me himself. Granted i was always afraid something horrible would become of this drug thing and i always told him that i wished he would do it. He had a hard life and often times a hard past can ruin a future. I never tried to pretend that i was anything more than upset with all this but it sort of hurt. Kind of like what happen with micheal and duncan and all the rest, all these people were great guys and better friends than anyone i have ever known and yet in an instant they are gone and often times you never really get to say good bye. god even cory whom i could not stand i still get into reticent moods where i really want to argue with him again and Christina she was my best friend and i trusted her and yet when when I graduated they were all gone, I have seen not a one and i miss them all terribly. I realize i am not the easist person to deal with sometimes i can be opinonated and bossy but i still believe that i deserve friends. Some of them i lost because of Chris. He was extremely jealous and truth be told i got stick of it fast. He has always been more trouble than he is worth and it never ceses to amaze me that he would be like that. I was never really interested in him and he knows that. Honestly if anyone else had asked then it would have been them and now i guess i am just so afraid of being alone now that i have no friends anymore. That is the real reason that i keep with an abusive jerk is that i am afraid to be alone. How can i do this to myself? Aren't i worth more than this? I just let him manipulate me and all because i don't want to be alone, I was practically alone for 17 years and in the three years since i have had someone. It is a sobering thought. Yes everytime he hurts me I try to get rid of him but secretly I am scarid that if i do i will be alone forever. think about it , he was really the first serious relationship i had ever had and even though i never really liked him i am terrified of being without him. The other day i took a walk through HFA and the very walls teemed with forgotten promise, of the better life i always dreamed of, of all the sacrifices i have made to get where i am today. Yes i have a good job but i have no friends and i go to a sub par school who wouldn't know historically significant if it tap danced on its face. And all of this so i wouldn't be alone. I am a fool, a stupid fool. Moreover i am so frightened of everything and i let the world walk all over me. Being in a relationship has made me weak willed and indecisive. I used to be so finiky about my hair and i had to wear alot of makeup. Now days i hardly ever remember to take care of my self because i am so focused on cleaning up after that self righteaus jerk. I need some kind of an intervention. I need my friends back. I need to ask them what i should do, i need some support and guidence. I need help. If even for one day things could be as they were and i could ask for help. I just know they would have the right answer and would know the right thing to do. They cannot hear me now and i probably will never see any of them again but i wish so much that i could ask for their help. that is the trouble with time, it never stops

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